My double-avatar experiences in Second Life have been an interesting exercise in identity, a quest for belonging (to a group, people, gender or place) and a surreal journey through the world of virtual reality that has proven to be mostly disengaging and alienating, at least in the time spent there so far. I created two opposite avatars, opposite in that my first avatar, Satvva Constantine, is female, like me. My second avatar, Forrestfall Tharnaby, is a male. I will further elaborate on each avatar experience below, but suffice to say now that my second avatar, (alter ego, male character) was the better experience and proved to bring better results despite the fact that it was more stressful “acting” as that avatar’s chosen image, persona and constructed identity.
SATVVA CONSTANTINE: AVATAR # 1
Sattva Constantine is an elfish, female warrior-like character that I created first in Second Life. I felt the avatar choices I was given in Second Life were limited, and the appearance of my chosen avatar (amongst the other female choices I had) was probably most loyal to my fantasy figure or character –a strong, elfish, spiritual, child-like female figure who reflects those warrior-like, spiritual qualities in her physical appearance and/or dress.I also feel that in Second Life, I automatically defaulted to my fantasy image of who I should be, irrespective of the fact that consciously, I did not want to create someone who looked like a stereotype of some kind. Creating Satvva, I even chose a name that reflects or reminds one of Eastern-world, yogic, Hindu influences because those influences shape who I aspire to be right now in my first life. Satvva is inspired by the word sattva, which in Sanskrit means “purity”, “existence” and “reality.” Satvva Constantine is a symbolic figure I aspire to in my real life; she is a metaphor for my desires, a foil for my fears, hence her image, dressed in a samurai-inspired cape, a long ponytail, green eyes, and elfish boots and gloves. The only object missing is some kind of a weapon, perhaps a sword? (I must go and find one now.)
SATVVA’S JOURNEYS
The journey Satvva embarked on to discover who she is, where she belongs and who are her friends in this Second Life was fraught with difficulty and insecurity because I (as Satvva) was looking for a place where essentially, I could be myself, Sandra. I felt I needed to look for places where I as both Satvva and Sandra could fit in and could have fun, be creative and assert my creative nature and meet like-minded individuals, just as in real life. I tried searching for diverse places based on search words that incorporate my preferences (or likes) in real life (coffee, café, yoga, mystic, beach, jazz, movies, film, French, China, etc.) and perhaps even refer to my own ethnic background and language fluency (Macedonian, Serbian, French.)
Some of the places I visited were: Amity Island, Alice Through the Looking Glass, various other clubs (some Francophone, hoping to strike up a conversation in French), shopping malls, and bars, islands and beaches, Seven Days Magic Bakery, Mystic Academy, and Japan Resort for Campers. I even visited a Greek Orthodox and Serbian Orthodox Church, because I was curious to see who goes there (obviously religious-minded individuals who need to worship in Second Life as equally as in their first lives.)
Immediately upon arrival, my first goal was to find someone to chat with, which proved to be the most difficult exercise in Second Life because most of the time, other avatars ignored me and/or did not reply to my greetings. I felt rejected, lonely and frustrated as Satvva Constantine, because essentially, I was playing myself, Sandra, and speaking to others as I would in my first life. This search for an identity in Second Life was really a search for others’ affirmation of that chosen, fantasy identity of female, elf-warrior that was a metaphor for my own identity as Sandra. I wanted people to accept me for who I am (or who I aspire to be), as in real life (under the guise of a different name and appearance.)
I finally had a conversation with an avatar named Cosmic Susanowa from Tokyo, Japan at the Japan Resort for Campers. The conversation that ensued that Saturday evening, 7pm, Toronto time (8am Tokyo time), was surreal in that I couldn’t really gauge if Cosmic was talking to me because I was desperate to talk to someone and showed that desperation, or they were talking to me because they felt genuinely interested in me. The conversation was small talk, discussing fashion and our different time zones, asking for advice on how to take off my jacket (I felt inappropriately dressed at that resort with my big samurai cape) and just hanging out together in that empty space (nobody else was around.)
I felt inappropriate asking Cosmic where she is from (because I had no idea), or asking something too personal. I also could not gauge whether Cosmic was being herself/himself; even after the conversation, I felt I had talked to someone non-existent, not a real human being. I assumed she was female, loosely, because the avatar looked somewhat androgynous actually, but that is the extent of my impression. The conversation was too short to decipher and get to know Cosmic. I wish I had the opportunity to know her more, chat with her more, but again, I felt like I was overstaying my welcome.
Trying to speak to other avatars in Second Life felt unwelcome and uncomfortable, perhaps not unlike real life. But this experience of being someone in a virtual world left me feeling disengaged from others because I felt that I was invisible and that people were passing me by, ignoring me, not speaking to me, not replying to my greetings and questions similar to the worlds of instant messaging and online dating. The most disturbing aspect of SL was that I felt inhuman, because I felt others to be inhuman. Cosmic Susanowa was the only avatar a.k.a. human being to respond to my greeting, perhaps because in her/his world, people respond and say hello when they are spoken to. At this point, I felt I needed to change my avatar and hence my identity, perhaps even choose an alter ego to function better. The result was…
FORRESTFALL THARNABY: AVATAR # 2
Creating Forrestfall Tharnaby as my second avatar, or alter ego, was a better experience overall than Satvva, although more nerve-wracking due to the fact that I was “acting out” a male, groovy, pot-smoking, peace-loving ex-marine who perhaps fought in some American war and was ejected off his plane, landing in Second Life. Forrestfall is a guy who likes to chill and smoke pot, a man who uses “man” a lot in his colloquialisms, a guy who greets people with - “Hey Man, how’s it goin’ Man?” Forrestfall also observes life as is and comments without overthinking too much before he speaks (hence putting his foot in his mouth often.) He’s much more spontaneous than Satvva Constantine, he’s a guy and he’s unencumbered by all the neuroses and baggage that are part of Satvva, because Satvva is really Sandra. Forrestfall is Sandra’s alter ego, completely different from her in every way (Sandra has never fought in a war, she has never smoked pot and she’s the opposite of chill-seeking and relaxed.) Forrestfall has proven to be so much more than Satvva because I as Forrestfall can be someone who I am not, who I do not aspire to be and hence, there is nothing to lose.
I cannot feel as rejected as I did with Sattva, because Sattva was I, and Forrestfall is someone else whose shoes I am in momentarily. Forrestfall is the perfect character to be acting out in Second Life because I don’t have to be myself, even though, in essence I resort and default in the end to being myself because I feel tired of putting up an “act” for others. Forrestfall Tharnaby is the perfect paradox and contradiction of the quest for a different identity or alter ego because he takes on Satvva’s personality in the end, after striving to be someone diametrically opposite to that personality.
FORRESTFALL’S JOURNEYS
Forrestfall started out in Help Island and moved to other funky and interesting places such as islands, bars and clubs in order to meet someone. As Forrestfall, I was trying to chat up women and girls because I was a male who would address females as babes. This stereotype was easy to act out in one scenario and difficult in another which made for a complex and surreal journey through Second Life because I was living a fractured identity, trying to be someone I am not.
As Forrestfall, I was ignored and rejected every time I tried to communicate and greet other avatars. Lonely as I was as Forrestfall, I decided to check out a porn club, hoping that I could meet someone there. Visiting the porn island proved to be uneventful, and devoid of people (due to time zones differences perhaps.)
Finally, I chose a chill-out camping club (the name escapes me now) where avatars were lying around on blankets in front of tents and relaxing while the box full of pizza was there to be slowly eaten (in make-believe only). I greeted them with “Hey, man, whatsup?” and lo and behold, someone by the name of Grecia Braveheart talked back. Grecia is a Londoner, a female (because I have the nerve to ask her gender in real life) who says that SL “is just a giant 3-D chat room.” She makes me feel human because her language and voice on instant messaging is soft, welcoming, and accepting. The conversation that ensues between us involves tips on how to function in SL, how to look at people’s profiles, how to add people as friends. She adds me on as a friend and tells me that I can contact her anytime. I suspect she suspects I am a male in real life, just as I am in SL! I try to act as a male does, flirting ever so slightly. She winks at me to support my presumptions about how she feels about me.
I feel strangely liberated and I am reminded of gender as a social construct and how humans are constricted with respect to gender in real life. However, as the conversation continues, my colloquialisms and expressions start to disappear and Sandra’s (a.k.a. Satvva’s) personality and speech come through more often. I find myself getting anxious first, because I am trying to be a pot-smoking, ex-marine, who is a guy, and then second, my pseudo-identity as that male starts to crack and out comes the real me displaced on that male avatar. Grecia was somewhat confused because my persona as a male, peace-loving, pot-smoking, ex-marine-hippy was at times incongruous with my personality –expressed via my speech and choice of words/expressions. But, she accepted my fractured personality and identity nevertheless as her friend.
CONCLUSION
The avatar experience has been an experiment in identity, pseudo-identity and a subconscious exercise that harkens back to dreams and nightmares. After spending much time trying to talk to both females and males, my impression of Second Life is complex; at times, I feel that it is a realm where human beings act out their fantasies as children would do the same, playing with dolls or trucks. At other times, I feel that human beings, under the guise of an avatar or persona, act out as in real life, where humans also don fake identities, not unlike SL. I noticed in many places I visited, some of the conversations around me involved a lot of flirting between genders (i.e. “That’s a cute outfit”, ;) - winking, referring to the opposite gender, usually female, as babe, etc.) which again points out to SL’s role as a giant, virtual pseudo-pick-up joint.
Role-playing was present in both avatar experiences in that they were shaded by my desires to be accepted as who I am, as someone I aspire to be, or as someone I am not. Acceptance was the primary goal in the world of Second Life for me, perhaps not unlike real life, and the journey taken towards that goal can be easier or harder depending on the type of persona you choose to act out via a virtual self and most importantly, via the act of imagination. Just like that box full of delicious vegetarian pizza lying on the ground at that camping site, an avatar cannot be consummated, cannot be realized as in real life. I cannot taste my second life the way I can taste a slice of pizza in real life, I can only imagine what that slice tastes like and hence the disengaging and alienating aspects of avatars and Second Life. Imagination is key in virtual worlds, because without it, you cannot function, you cannot be.
No comments:
Post a Comment